Yes, I know – I suck at regular blogging. But when you regularly stay up past midnight writing for clients, it kind of makes it hard to find time to blog for yourself.

I’m such a whiner.

But hey, here I am again – whoohoo!! And yes, it’s definitely past my bedtime, but I felt the need to write tonight. There are so many people around me in such pain – couples contemplating divorce, an ectopic pregnancy, serious illness and, so horribly, the premature delivery of twins resulting in the death of one baby.

It’s times like this when I’m reminded of one of my favorite quotes from Abraham Lincoln:

I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go.

Tonight is one of those times when I have nowhere else to go. And tonight is one of those times when I find clarity in my faith and understand a little bit better that I never have anywhere else to go. (Notice I don’t totally get it, because I’m a big huge screw-up, and I give thanks every day for God’s patience – otherwise he would have kicked me to the curb long ago.)

So I go to my knees and pray – and on nights like this, I don’t even know what to say. In times like this, words fail me. Fortunately, another thing I’ve learned is that I don’t have to say a word. He knows my heart, He knows the pain and He’s always there, ready to comfort us when we seek Him out.

Think I’m nuts or some crazed “Jesus Freak”? Just try it – or better yet, try Him. What do you have to lose – your pain? Your depression? Your anger? You’re right – it would be a shame if you lost all that, huh?

Eight weeks after the loss of our baby, we have closure on a few things that have helped so much. First, genetic tests revealed that the cause of our baby’s death was Trisomy 18. It’s a fatal disorder, with most babies not making it to birth – those that do almost never live long after birth and suffer from severe birth defects. We are grateful that our little one went straight to heaven and never suffered.

We also learned that our baby was a boy, and we’re so grateful for that knowledge. We’ve decided on a name – Carson Jacob – but we also decided that his nickname would be Jake. It’s a good old fashioned name that makes my dear knight smile every time he says it – he says it would sound good when pro sports broadcasters said it: “Here’s Jake Thompson taking the snap in the 2035 Super Bowl!” (Dads always seem to go straight to the Super Bowl for their proud dad fantasies, don’t they?)

This knowledge helps so much. I feel like I’ve passed through the fog of grief and emerged with God’s faithful promise of hope and peace lifting me up, encouraging me to go on, enjoy every moment I have with my princesses and look forward to the day when I can hold Jake in my arms. My heart is heavier, and until I can hold him, my arms will ache and never feel entirely full, but I am better. God’s love and His thoughtfulness in surrounding me with amazing friends have ensured that I am better. And I am grateful – thank you all for your love, prayers and support. They’ve all helped more than you will ever know.

Carson Jacob (Jake) Thompson

Born into Heaven

December 19, 2009

So I’m OK. With rest and prayer and some good old fashioned quality time with my princesses, I’ve reached a sense of peace with our baby’s loss. I’m still sad – I will always be sad – about it, but I am OK. And I am curious to see what God has in store for me next. One thing’s for sure, He’s certainly never bored me!

He’s also proven time and again that He does indeed have a sense of humor. I mean, seriously, how can anyone look at a duck-billed platypus and not think that God’s a pretty funny character? Any omnipotent deity who’d create that thing surely enjoys a laugh every once in a while.

So I’m actively looking for the funny stuff and hoping to be able to share some gut-busting stories with you again soon. If you need a laugh in the meantime, search the web for more platypus images. Now I know why these guys have been passed over in the college mascot arena – “Go Playtipi!” just doesn’t roll off the tongue, and can you imagine the fan hats that you’d see in the stands? And you thought a Hog Hat was amusing.